broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
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