Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
