called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
