i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
