That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
