There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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