I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize