I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
she told me i tasted like america
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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