I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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