Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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