That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
ps... at the end of one of the videos you yell "let's do the eiffel tower again.. i'll be in the middle!" .. i almost died lolol
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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