at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
