There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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