So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize