i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Randomize
