Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
