i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize