Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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