1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize