Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Your penis caused this!
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
