haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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