I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
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