were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
