Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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