i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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