she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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