So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize