you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
