Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
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