I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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