Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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