So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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