I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
