Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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