LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
40s are totally the cure
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Randomize
