i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
