just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Randomize
