In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Randomize
