The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
