Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
