just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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