I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
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