someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
