my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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