shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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