You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
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