She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
