what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
My vagina just recognized that song.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
