He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I have fence marks all over my body
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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