you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Randomize
