Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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