Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize