im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
