i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
