I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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