I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
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