saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
how drunk are you?
Several
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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