Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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