I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Randomize
