We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
