my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
