Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
too bad you live with your parents still
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
