I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
