i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
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