Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
