you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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