dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Randomize
